Jodie Louise

I'm finding it hard to understand how change is good
7:38 p.m. - 2009-04-09

I’m so used to moaning about not having enough time to live…..
That didn’t mean I wanted to be told I’m being made redundant from the one job I enjoyed and knew I was good at. It was my only thread of confidence I had left.
It makes me feel better that it was a decision they had to make to combine my part time role with someone else’s full time role to save money I mean Shell need all the money they can get right? *sigh*

Its just rocked my whole boat and I’d love to say the financial side of things is what worries me the most, because that would make sense and make me fit in with the rest of the world. My concerns lie with my happiness, my motivation and my inspiration. I’m saying this one job role provided all that for me but …I don’t know it made me happy and I enjoyed going to work and feeling needed.

I know I know I’m a mum ….but I’m not a stay at home mum. No that does not make me selfish …it makes me wise to be able to know my limits and recognize that me going to work and carrying on with what I need to do in life makes me a better mum when I come home from my part time scramble up the career level. If I gave into my heavy heart when he was a baby and dropped everything for my son and stayed home with him. Kayden would have half a mother, with half the energy and half the motivation he needs his mum to give him in life.

I have been on an interview yesterday (day after my last day with Shell). Three directors of a small 2 year old company need a PA to take over the admin side of things as things are becoming demanding. The hours are very PART TIME and the whole thing just seemed bland. I’m used to hour long interviews with duplicate, challenging, in your face questions. Not in a big headed way but the only reason these guys will not take me on is because I’m too expensive. I’m good at what I do.

I’ve had this on me for over a week now but it has only just really hit me today that I’m not going back and it’s really making things dark for me right now. Obviously other things are really getting to me too but usually I have half a day MAXIMUM to even go through things in mind and try figure them out. Having all this time I have right now is just dragging me down. Its like someone has taken my distraction away and turned my head to all the shit in life and it scaring me because I have to start making some changes.

My God I just feel so heavy today and I don’t feel I have anyone to share it with. My man aint the comforting type and my family worry too much about me. I have friends but they have their own stuff going on …I just feel uneasy in this lost stage of change.

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